A few years ago, I wrote a piece about apologising in relation to my illnesses, the unintentional emotional manipulation that can
accompany apologies, and why often, thanking people for their support is a much
more appropriate response. In the time since then, I have gotten a lot better
at saying “thank you” rather than “sorry” when someone helps me … but I still
apologise a lot in other circumstances.
Recently, someone told me off for this. His reasoning – if
you are apologising constantly, letting it become nothing more than a habit,
then it loses authenticity. He asked what I would then do if I’d really done
something wrong, and needed to give a genuine apology?
Cue moment of existential crisis as I tried to work out
whether apologising to someone who’s visibly annoyed at you for apologising
will make the situation better or worse and vaguely considered option three –
just slowly sliding under the table while humming Tracy Chapman.
Now to be fair, I had just issued about fifteen apologies in
the space of a few minutes, and once I managed to stifle my automatic need to
give fifteen more for the awkwardness, I could see where he was coming from.
This wasn’t a perspective I had considered before, but I’ve certainly had my
share of relationships and friendships in the past where the apologies were
frequent, but the changes of behaviour were notably absent, until the word
“sorry” started to leave a pit in my stomach.
I am genuinely feeling guilt when I’m saying I’m sorry, and
there is an authentic desire to make the other person feel better, including
examining and changing my own behaviour where needed. However, I’m often
apologising in situations where my guilt is unwarranted, or the perceived
slight exists only in my mind.
So that leaves me with two questions:
Why am I apologising so much, and is it a problem?
At the time, the reason I gave is that I’m tending to take
responsibility for things which aren’t my fault, including other people’s
feelings or discomfort. Illness and disability do make a lot of people
uncomfortable, and I know my tendency to start stories with things like “So
this one time part of my back died for no reason… it’s okay, it grew back
eventually…” do not help with this. While my twisted sense of humour, and
ability to find the funny side of everything, is something I love about myself,
it is also something I feel the need to apologise for when I see it make people
squirm.
When I stop to consider it, I think there are also a few
other contributing factors here. Of course, anxiety and depression probably
play a part, particularly in the instance above as I had been going through an unusually
bad mental health patch at the time, after being really well on that front
since I got Bindi.
I do notice that when I’m in a good place, the apologies are
noticeably reduced, or at the very least, the reasons behind them are more
logical. But when I’m not sleeping and therefore slipping into a darker
headspace, it can start to feel like I need to apologise for my very existence,
let alone anything else. The nervous energy and overthinking aspect of anxiety
doesn’t help with this either, as if you think about anything for too long you
can convince yourself it’s 1) a problem and 2) your fault. There can also be an
element of “duck and cover” to interacting with new people when you have PTSD (or
other forms of anxiety) until you figure out whether they are safe, and you can
relax with them. Even mild irritation from a stranger can feel like it could be
a threat, and so appeasing the person with pre-emptive apologies becomes a part
of self-preservation.
Which leads into the question of whether it’s a problem.
Sociologist, Maja Jovanovic, believes that unnecessary apologies hurt us, making us smaller
and weakening what we have to say. I have started to notice there is a level of
self-fulfilling prophecy to this, as rather than appeasing my guilt, apologising
lots makes me feel even more like there is something wrong with me that I must
apologise for. I notice my body language changing when I say “I’m sorry”,
shrinking in, as if I am diminished by my mistakes, illnesses and flaws – something
I whole-heartedly do not believe.
What I like to call the “Labyrinth Effect” also starts to come into play. If you treat someone or
something as if they are a threat, you associate them with that fear and they
ultimately become more intimidating to you. In the words of David Bowie’s
Jareth:
“You have cowered before me, and I was frightening.”
Breaking the Habit
All of this has made me question the effect apologies are having
on my own self-esteem, the people around me, and the way I interact with both. So,
I have been trying to break my apology habit, but it has led to a strange
development and the discovery of one more possible reason why I apologise so
much.
I decided to start small, addressing one particular form of
apologies. I made a point of not apologising if someone bumped into me, or in
some other way caused a disruption, instead simply accepting their apology and
moving on with my day. I figured this would be an easy one to address, as I
know I’m not actually at fault in these situations; I’m just apologising
because… New Zealand.
But here’s where it gets interesting.
On multiple occasions, a stranger bumped into me and, when I
said nothing, they came out with comments along the lines of “Oh, that’s okay,
love”. I had kept my pledge to myself not to apologise, but despite this,
strangers were accepting apologies I hadn’t given and didn’t owe. And not just
one or two people, this happened on multiple occasions.
Now, I don’t entirely understand what’s happening here, but
my best guess is that people are seeing Bindi and my dark sunglasses, assuming
I’m blind and therefore deciding the accident must be my fault, despite
evidence to the contrary.
I have to admit, after the first few times this happened, I
did start to wonder if I was somehow causing these accidents, and you may well
be wondering why so many people bump into me. I guess the truth lies somewhere
in between. If someone is looking at their phone or walking backwards away from
a conversation still focused on their companion, an able-bodied person may be
able to quickly dodge out of the way, but it’s trickier for me when I’m
sometimes a little unsteady on my feet and have a dog (and sometimes walking
stick) to negotiate. But regardless of my speed, if you’re not looking, it’s
not the responsibility of anyone else on the street to get out of your way, and
certainly not their fault if you crash into them. In fact, in many of these
instances, I was standing completely still, to the side of the pavement out of
the way, when the person walked into me.
Expectation
This did make me consider the role expectation plays in
excessive apologies. In these instances, it was very clear an apology was
expected from me, whether or not I genuinely owed one. But I think it extends
beyond this. Not to turn this into an norms vs crips argument, but I do think
there is a level of expectation that disabled and chronically ill people will
behave in certain ways, one of those being apologising for the impact on
able-bodied people’s desire to do things in inaccessible ways.
Asking for any kind of access assistance – even if it’s a
legal right – sometimes leads you to being made to feel like an inconvenience,
as if your presence is only allowed by obligation, but that really you are not
wanted or welcome. Apologising can appease some of this, allowing for a more
friendly and less awkward environment for all. For example, you learn very
quickly that the best way to ensure your food is actually gluten free when
you’re coeliac is to start your order with an apology for being annoying, and
end it with a self-deprecating joke. Otherwise, you risk an eye roll, a comment
about pretentious hipsters, and a guessing game as to whether your food is
actually safe to eat.
Even if the words “I’m sorry” don’t cross my lips, I’ve
learnt to present certain pieces of information about my health with an apology
in my voice. Not because I’m really ashamed of them, but because I am
consciously crossing the taboo of discussing illness, mortality and admitting
to weaknesses rather than just “being positive”. To not apologise in these
circumstances, usually leads to questions of whether it’s really that bad if I’m
not miserable, and difficulty getting access needs acknowledged or met.
In a confusing contradiction, I find I must also apologise
if I DON’T want to talk about my health, as it’s seen as entirely unreasonable
to have an assistance dog, mobility aid, or other visible sign of disability in
public, but not be willing to satiate the curiosity of every tom, dick and
harry as to why. People often ask invasive questions and then are horribly
uncomfortable with the answers, yet take no responsibility for the situation,
laying all of that at my feet instead. This isn’t just a disability thing, of
course. This is something many of us experience, for example, with the question
“when are you going to have babies” and the answer “I can’t/don’t want to/have
just recently spawned a half alien half human hybrid”. Somehow it becomes the
place of the answerer to apologise for the discomfort, rather than the invasive-question-asker
to acknowledge they were over-stepping.
The undercurrent of all of this seems to be that warranted
or not – I feel I am expected to apologise frequently, and simultaneously to feel
bad about how often I apologise.
Refuting the Expectation
But this is not to let myself off the hook. Just because the
world potentially expects something from me, it doesn’t mean I have to give it.
The world has a lot of expectations of what disability looks like – most of
them negative – and I do not meet many of them. Continuing to apologise in this
way is reinforcing the belief that it’s valid to expect apologies, and while
it’s currently socially acceptable to feel discomfort around disability and
illness, or irritated at having to accommodate differences, that doesn’t have
to be the way it will be in the future. Not apologising may be one way to allow
people to acknowledge their own discomfort, examine it and maybe even address and
eradicate it.
While exploring all of this has made me realise the apology
habit is going to be harder than I thought to break, it’s made me more
determined to do it. Whether it’s not apologising for someone bumping into me,
not taking responsibility for anyone’s discomfort with my answers to invasive health
or baby questions, or simply asking for gluten free food without calling myself
annoying, I strongly suspect each small step will make a difference.
Thanks for reading,
Little Miss Autoimmune