As part of the publicity for the play, I was taking part in a publicity stunt wandering around town with a Grim Reaper. It was kind of a bad day pain-wise, and I was a little worried I might pass out because of it, so I gave the people I was with a quick explanation of my tendencies to fall down - very important in this case, since I often don't recognise people and freak out after I pass out, and so waking up to this:
leaning over me would not have ended well. While we were joking about the idea of the reaper setting up road cones and a "Grim Reaper at work" sign around me if I did pass out, it suddenly occurred to me that when I was saying Young and Hungry was a part of my life pre-illness, there was only a very slim margin making that true. The first time I collapsed was on a Young and Hungry holiday programme when I was fourteen. A couple of days later I collapsed again on the stage at Bats, and that was about when I realised I might not be all that well. It was another five years before I got a diagnosis and in reality I had been unwell for several years before that without knowing, but that day has always stuck in my mind as the beginning of a lot of this stuff.
One of the articles about the show focused on my sleep disorder (hypnogogic hallucinations or night terrors - not autoimmune as far as I know) being the inspiration for the play. During the interview, Tom asked me if I had the choice, would I give up having the sleep disorder as it has given a lot of creative inspiration. The question gave me pause - the sleep disorder can be exhausting and disruptive at times, but it has had a major impact on my writing, so no, I probably wouldn't give it up.
It made me think - would I give up any of the illnesses I live with if I had the choice?
Yes, of course I would! If a safe and effective cure was found, I would be lining up to take it, especially if it could reverse the damage already done to my body. But if the possibility arose that I could never have been sick in the first place, would I take that?
No. I don't think I would. A lot of living with illness has sucked, but ultimately it has led me to where I am now. I love my life, and the people in it, and I wouldn't risk giving that up.
Of course this is all very much theoretical as the likelihood of someone developing cures for all my illnesses AND inventing a time machine to go back in time and give it to me before I became unwell is pretty low, but even so, this has been a nice thought train to jump on for the day. My illnesses have changed my life a lot, but I'm not convinced it's all for the worse.
Thanks for Reading
Little Miss Autoimmune
How to Catch a Grim Reaper runs from the 10th-25th July at Bats in Wellington. Find tickets.
