There's only so long you can be a bitch...

When I was first diagnosed with arthritis I was a bitch. Hmm... that kind of sounds like I was a bitch and then I got diagnosed and I wasn't anymore. What I mean is, in the first few weeks after I was diagnosed, I was so depressed and angry, I was a bitch to pretty much everyone I came in contact with.

To put this in prespective, I was diagnosed on New Years Eve. I'd planned to go to a New Years party that night. When we got out of the doctor's office that day my Mum told me alcohol was probably not going to be very good for me, but that to make myself feel better I should go out and get drunk (to this day I'm not sure whether she was joking.) I'm not really a big drinker, so this was pretty unusual advice, but I took it and spent the New Years countdown drunk and crying in my friend's stairwell.

But. There is only so long you can be a bitch.

A little while back my supervisor at work was having problems with her knee. She said being in pain was making her grumpy and she didn't understand how, being in pain all the time, I wasn't a bitch all the time. The thing is, there's only so long people will forgive you for being a bitch. After that the being-in-pain excuse wears thin and you'll find you're not only in pain, but you also have no friends.

Of course, now I think I've taken it to the other extreme. I worry so much about being a burden on other people, being in other people's way or complaining too much, that I constantly apologise. Often I apologise when things aren't actually my fault, like if someone isn't looking and walks into me. I feel because I walk with a crutch surely it must be my fault somehow. The other day my friend pointed out to me that I often apologise when things aren't even a problem, like I sometimes apologise to people for standing next to them - I don't know why, I think it's a sickness.

My new solution to feeling I complain too much is to complain more but in a more obvious way. Instead of trying to hide the fact that I'm not happy I'm just going to yell out "I'M IN PAIN" and then just carry on as if I haven't said anything. My friend has also offered to complain for me at times when I get tired of complaining. That way is more fun than complaining about complaining, although saying "I'M TIRED OF COMPLAINING! MY VOICE IS SO WHINY, I CAN'T STAND IT!" would be funny too.

Little Miss Autoimmune