Then tonight was one of those nights. You know the ones where things keep going wrong until you don't know whether to laugh or cry, and you end up kind of doing both, and then give up on sleeping for a while and decide to write something instead.
Those kind of night suck. A couple of weeks ago, when I'd had an equally bad night I told my friend I'd had an epiphany. It came as I was struggling to get from my living room to my bed because my leg was shaking so much, and I realised I was going to have to sleep in my clothes because I was too unsteady to get changed into pyjamas, and I was going to have to leave the window open even though it was freezing, and I was out of breath because trying to do even the simplest tasks is exhausting when your body is fighting you that much. And what was the epiphany? That this really, really sucks.
It might not sound much like an epiphany or a revelation. I mean it's hardly like I haven't noticed it sucking it in the past. But the epiphany was that I could actually say that to myself without feeling like I had to talk myself into a Pollyanna-type spin of positivity, and without getting angry or feeling devastated, and without feeling like I'm having a pity party just because I'm not Pollyanna. It just sucks, and it's okay to say that.
So tonight's particular brand of suckyness? Tonight is one of those nights where I need to pee every 20 minutes, and it's also one of those night where my joints are particularly sore and my legs keep shaking. My knee buckled when I got to go to the loo earlier, and I crashed into the sink, munting my elbow, then on the way back from the bathroom, my tremors kicked off and I faceplanted onto my bedroom floor. And it's all okay. I'm not hurt, and I got up off the floor without having to press the medical alarm. But by God does this suck, especially as in about 20 minutes I'm going to need to pee again, and I'm going to have to risk falling again on the way to and from the bathroom.
I'll probably publish this post, sleep-deprived typos and all, and I'll publish the positive one too. Because that's what it comes down to chronic illness, doesn't it? The good times and the shite times, and just hoping that at some point the balance tips in your favour.
Thanks for reading,
Little Miss Autoimmune