Sunday, February 12, 2017

I don't know how to explain

I don't know how to explain what I'm feeling right now.

I don't know how to explain how utterly panicked I feel that I'm heading into another round of doctors appointments and testing. If I try to explain this, I know that the assumption will be that I am afraid of the results, but I know the results already. This will be another non-specifically abnormal thing, attributed to one of the diseases I already probably (but never definitely) have. I am just tired. So tired of the whole process, and just thinking about it makes me want to cry.

I don't know how to explain that I can't face the idea of there being a treatment option. The idea of a "safe" treatment means nothing to me now, because I have seen how much harm harmless-treatments can cause, and how much they've cost me in the past. Just the thought of it makes me begin to hyperventilate. I also don't know how to explain that I've fought really hard with myself to get to a place where I am okay with being me. Not me except for the illnesses, or the me I think I could be if a few things were fixed. Just okay with being me exactly how I am right now. Attempting to change things, even if it's for the better, means starting a lot of that work all over again. I don't know how to explain how devastating hope can be, when things don't work out, and that letting myself feel it is not worth getting crushed for. A treatment option is hope, and that just feels to hard to do again. 

I don't know how to explain how panicked logical responses to my feelings make me feel, because they remind me that my anxiety is not logical. That there are parts of me that will run to their own rhythm, and will drag me along behind no matter how calmly I ask them not to.

I don't know how to explain how trapped I feel sometimes, by my allergies, by my body, by the delicate balancing act I have to work on everyday. A small thing has upset this balance recently, and I haven't figured out how to put everything back into place yet. The contradictions of things that help one disease but harm another can be exhausting, as every action holds an element of risk. I don't know how to explain how I am constantly both proud of myself for continuing to function and terrified by every choice that allows me to continue doing that.

I don't know how to explain how little patience I have for people who mock or criticise the ways I choose to manage diseases they don't have and don't comprehend. I don't know how to explain how sick I am of justifying my diet, sick of trying to elicit some form of understanding and knowing that I'm not going to get anywhere because it's just more fun to mock paleo/gluten-free/anything-that-differs-from-the-norm than it is to take a moment to show some compassion. You don't need to believe it works to show some empathy for the desperation that is making people want to try it, you just need to let go of your need to be right.

I don't know how to explain that no one can help me with any of this, and that makes me afraid to talk about it, because all that does is make other people feel bad. And I don't know how to explain how that sometimes I just need to say it all anyway, and that's why I'm writing this down.

I don't know how to explain that I will be fine tomorrow. All of this will be easier, and I will feel okay again, but tonight it feels hard. Tonight I will be melodramatic, and write every feeling that comes into my head with the hopes of releasing them from me and letting them go.

There is nothing that I need, except to wait, and accept all of these feelings good and bad. As awful and desperate as I feel right now, there is also a calm part of me that knows it's all okay and that these feelings are temporary.

Tonight is hard, but tomorrow will be better.

Thanks for reading
Little Miss Autoimmune

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